fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
