I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
