I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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