it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
