I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
