i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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