I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize