I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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