he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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