so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
