Just fell off a train. Bad.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize