the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
did i just pee glitter
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Your penis caused this!
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