I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
