I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize