Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
