Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I could fuck to npr.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
