I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
