i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
