I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
