I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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