i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
