i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize