Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
