He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
