When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I have feelings that need drinking.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
