I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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