I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
