watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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