I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize