The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize