dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
