Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
