oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Let's get the cat blown out
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
