____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
