i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
