Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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