I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
