i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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