Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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