the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize