i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
