if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
