you traded sex for a burrito?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
