Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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