6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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