you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Floor bacon is actually really good
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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