I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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