hotel room ftw
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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