Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
