I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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