I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
