his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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