Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize