I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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