my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We are all done wearing pants today
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
