This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
