Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
