i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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