I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
