I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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