i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
