i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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